So I'm back at my main work gig after the taking the first trimester off. Not that I was sitting around the house rubbing my belly during those 4 months, I was still teaching part time, but I wasn't on the road like I usually am. But now it's all back on: very early wake-ups, sleep deprivation, checking in and out go hotel rooms, schlepping my suitcase around, smiling sweetly at passengers. To be honest, the actual job part has been the easiest-I've had no problems smiling sweetly-it's the being away from my own bed that has been the hardest. I like being home right now, I like feeling safe.
I just spent 4 days lounging around an all-inclusive resort in Jamaica. The weather was lovely, my room comfortable and the food delicious. But I missed my mammals Stef(hubbie) and Jack(dog). I'm glad to be back in rainy Vancouver where I have to cook my own food and make my own bed.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Saturday, January 8, 2011
17.5 Weeks
I had my monthly check up this week and I am happy to report that so far we have a 1 in 14,000 chance of having a Downs baby! I'm so relieved that I don't have to deal with the stress of an amniocentesis. And the stress of waiting for the results.
Now, the next biggest hurdle is my 19 week ultrasound. In this ultrasound, called the 'anomaly scan', they'll be looking at the baby's organs, the brain, the spine, etc . They could still find something abnormal or worrisome, but all I can do is keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best. So far so good. I've done my research on the internet and have an idea what to expect and what some of the worst case scenarios could be, but I'm finished now. I'll pass on the links to Stef so he also can be best prepared, but I myself won't revisit them. And hopefully I won't ever have to again.
Now, the next biggest hurdle is my 19 week ultrasound. In this ultrasound, called the 'anomaly scan', they'll be looking at the baby's organs, the brain, the spine, etc . They could still find something abnormal or worrisome, but all I can do is keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best. So far so good. I've done my research on the internet and have an idea what to expect and what some of the worst case scenarios could be, but I'm finished now. I'll pass on the links to Stef so he also can be best prepared, but I myself won't revisit them. And hopefully I won't ever have to again.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Stupid Questions People Ask
Last night over dinner with some girlfriends, we had a rant about stupid questions people ask, in particular those that pertain to reproduction. Sometimes, these questions can be attributed to just being 'young and dumb', other times, it's just a lack of sensitivity. Here's some examples of conversations:
a: So, you've been together with your husband for a while, when are you going to have kids?
b: I'm not sure.
a: Do you want kids?
b: Yes, I do.
a: How old are you?
b: 36.
a: Well then what are you waiting for?
There are several variations of this conversation. They all suck when you're having to deal with failed IVF procedures. And even if you haven't had to resort to IVF, when you're trying to get pregnant, it rarely happens instantly and therefore trying to answer these questions with composure, is difficult. Especially when they are thrown at you casually from people you barely know.
There's a million and one reasons why you and your partner may not have kids. Maybe the relationship is unstable and you're sure if you want to procreate with this person. Maybe you hate kids. Maybe your uterus is covered with a thousand fibroids making conception very unlikely. Maybe you want kids but your partner doesn't. Maybe your partner has a low sperm count. Why should I have to explain this to acquaintances or even strangers? Do I ask to see your medical records?
a: So, you've been together with your husband for a while, when are you going to have kids?
b: I'm not sure.
a: Do you want kids?
b: Yes, I do.
a: How old are you?
b: 36.
a: Well then what are you waiting for?
There are several variations of this conversation. They all suck when you're having to deal with failed IVF procedures. And even if you haven't had to resort to IVF, when you're trying to get pregnant, it rarely happens instantly and therefore trying to answer these questions with composure, is difficult. Especially when they are thrown at you casually from people you barely know.
There's a million and one reasons why you and your partner may not have kids. Maybe the relationship is unstable and you're sure if you want to procreate with this person. Maybe you hate kids. Maybe your uterus is covered with a thousand fibroids making conception very unlikely. Maybe you want kids but your partner doesn't. Maybe your partner has a low sperm count. Why should I have to explain this to acquaintances or even strangers? Do I ask to see your medical records?
Monday, December 6, 2010
Fertility Freakout
Last week we received an invoice from our fertility clinic for the amount of $200. It stated, "to continue cryopreservation storage, please pay the following amount. Quantity of embryos: 1". Cryopreservation, for all you non IVF buffs, refers to the deep freezing of embryos.
Whaaat? I thought we had already used all our frozen embryos! We started off with 7 embryos. In our first IVF attempt we transferred 2 embryos into my womb. In the second attempt we used 2 again. And the last and final attempt, we threw caution into the wind and tossed in 3. Therefore 2+2+3=7. Where did this mysterious remaining embryo appear from?
Our first thought was that maybe we miscounted. Maybe we had assumed we had 7 when all along there had been 8. We immediately started rummaging through our paperwork and found the important document from the fertility lab that stated our embryo quantity. We had been correct, 7 was indeed the lucky number. So where did this last little 8 cell cluster come from? By this time it was 8pm, the fertility clinic was definitely shut down for the night. At first we dismissed it as a admin error, not a lab error, but as the night progressed some seriously nagging doubts started to screw with our minds. The worst scenario we could think of was : What if they had put the wrong embryos in? In other words: What if they baby growing inside of me wasn't mine?
Of course everything is triple checked before any embryo transfers are performed. In fact, just prior to every frozen embryo transfer, the nurse comes in with the actual test tubes in which our little 'snowbabies' were once frozen in. On each of these test tubes are serial numbers, along with both of our names. We are told to verify them and then sign off on them. But still, what if the lab made a mistake that we didn't catch? A moment of distraction? I vaguely remember seeing the tiny test tubes, but I don't remember looking at the serial numbers and checking the names on each tube....
A quick search on the internet revealed that this like never happens. Ok, maybe once or twice in all the 3 million babies that have been born worldwide. But boy did those cases get a lot of attention, especially by those crazy Catholic pro-lifers who think they've got an answer for everything.
We went to bed a little apprehensive. The next morning when Stef kissed me goodbye before heading out to work, he slipped in, "don't forget to call the clinic". Completely unnecessary. There was no way I was going to forget. I called them at 8.05 and directed my call to the financial officer who had sent me the letter, still hoping it was a clerical error. Being so early, I got her voice mail. I tried my best to not ramble and sound frantic. I'm sure if I succeeded though as she returned my call pretty fast. I couldn't take it though because I was in the middle of a tricky driving manoeuvre and as usual, my phone was in the bottom of my handbag. As soon as I could though, I pulled my car over and listened to my voice mail. "Please disregard the invoice, sorry, sometimes our files aren't up-to-date with the lab's."
Phew. Big fucking crisis averted.
Whaaat? I thought we had already used all our frozen embryos! We started off with 7 embryos. In our first IVF attempt we transferred 2 embryos into my womb. In the second attempt we used 2 again. And the last and final attempt, we threw caution into the wind and tossed in 3. Therefore 2+2+3=7. Where did this mysterious remaining embryo appear from?
Our first thought was that maybe we miscounted. Maybe we had assumed we had 7 when all along there had been 8. We immediately started rummaging through our paperwork and found the important document from the fertility lab that stated our embryo quantity. We had been correct, 7 was indeed the lucky number. So where did this last little 8 cell cluster come from? By this time it was 8pm, the fertility clinic was definitely shut down for the night. At first we dismissed it as a admin error, not a lab error, but as the night progressed some seriously nagging doubts started to screw with our minds. The worst scenario we could think of was : What if they had put the wrong embryos in? In other words: What if they baby growing inside of me wasn't mine?
Of course everything is triple checked before any embryo transfers are performed. In fact, just prior to every frozen embryo transfer, the nurse comes in with the actual test tubes in which our little 'snowbabies' were once frozen in. On each of these test tubes are serial numbers, along with both of our names. We are told to verify them and then sign off on them. But still, what if the lab made a mistake that we didn't catch? A moment of distraction? I vaguely remember seeing the tiny test tubes, but I don't remember looking at the serial numbers and checking the names on each tube....
A quick search on the internet revealed that this like never happens. Ok, maybe once or twice in all the 3 million babies that have been born worldwide. But boy did those cases get a lot of attention, especially by those crazy Catholic pro-lifers who think they've got an answer for everything.
We went to bed a little apprehensive. The next morning when Stef kissed me goodbye before heading out to work, he slipped in, "don't forget to call the clinic". Completely unnecessary. There was no way I was going to forget. I called them at 8.05 and directed my call to the financial officer who had sent me the letter, still hoping it was a clerical error. Being so early, I got her voice mail. I tried my best to not ramble and sound frantic. I'm sure if I succeeded though as she returned my call pretty fast. I couldn't take it though because I was in the middle of a tricky driving manoeuvre and as usual, my phone was in the bottom of my handbag. As soon as I could though, I pulled my car over and listened to my voice mail. "Please disregard the invoice, sorry, sometimes our files aren't up-to-date with the lab's."
Phew. Big fucking crisis averted.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Time Heals
As the weeks pass, slowly we're allowing us to imagine life with a child. For years we didn't dare, it was simply too painful. And whenever one of us went off-course and did, the other would scold. 'Don't go there!', we'd say to each other. Our emotional well-being couldn't afford the indulgence. Instead we'd review all the positive aspects of being 'childfree'. Eventually we convinced ourselves that we'd find ways to be happy, fill the gap with adventure, with travel, with eating nice meals in fancy restaurants. We had to damper our urge to procreate with promises of boundless freedom. In retrospect, not a bad approach. The only problem being, that we have travelled a lot and have had a lot of adventure in our lives already and now there's a natural urge to grow in a different way.
There's that word again, urge. And therein lies the problem. Urges aren't something that can be controlled rationally. Like sleeping, eating and fucking, they are our raison d'etre. This is not to say that absolutely everyone out there should be reproducing. Hardly. Just like some people have big appetites, while others eat like birds, why can't the same be true for the urge to have kids? But urges come and go and it was our hope that eventually the baby urge would fade away. Or become less pulsating. Or something. When you find yourself in a situation that is totally beyond your control, the only hope remains is that time will heal. Our infertility wounds had started to close, making this pregnancy all the more flabbergasting. So as we get closer to the end of the first trimester, we're losing our fears, bit by bit and becoming a little less afraid to dream.
There's that word again, urge. And therein lies the problem. Urges aren't something that can be controlled rationally. Like sleeping, eating and fucking, they are our raison d'etre. This is not to say that absolutely everyone out there should be reproducing. Hardly. Just like some people have big appetites, while others eat like birds, why can't the same be true for the urge to have kids? But urges come and go and it was our hope that eventually the baby urge would fade away. Or become less pulsating. Or something. When you find yourself in a situation that is totally beyond your control, the only hope remains is that time will heal. Our infertility wounds had started to close, making this pregnancy all the more flabbergasting. So as we get closer to the end of the first trimester, we're losing our fears, bit by bit and becoming a little less afraid to dream.
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